The 3 Things You Must Talk about Before Opening Your Relationship
April 10, 2017 April 10, 2017/ Dedeker Winston
You might be here on the Multiamory website for any number of reasons. You might be in a monogamous relationship right now and thinking about opening up, or you might be single and considering entering into a relationship that will be non-monogamous, or you may have been in several non-monogamous or polyamorous relationships that just haven’t gone so smoothly. Today we’re going to delve into the three main things that need to be talked over in order to lay a solid foundation for a happy, healthy, non-mono or poly relationship.
I have been thinking about, talking about, reading about, writing about polyamory, non-monogamy, and open relationships every single day for years. On top of that, for the past three years, I have been working as a relationship coach, specializing in helping people who are struggling to open up their relationship or who need some guidance in their established poly relationships. And after so many years of that, I start to see recurring patterns. I see what is happening in the relationships that are successful and happy, and I see what is happening over and over in the relationships that are falling apart, struggling, arguing all the time, and generally making everyone in the relationship totally miserable.
It pains me because I see people making the same mistakes over and over again, and one of the most common is a failure to talk about uncomfortable issues thoroughly and frankly with one’s partners. I understand, talking bluntly about attraction, about sex, about your most vulnerable feelings is not comfortable and often it’s very awkward and maybe sometimes embarrassing. But it is absolutely crucial to have these conversations, even if you are blushing the entire time.
Now, as we all know, good relationships require good communication about a variety of topics. But here we are going to cover the top three things that need to be talked about before you dive into an open relationship with anyone, no matter how long you’ve been with them.
1. Sex
You may be opening up your relationship for sexual reasons — maybe you are seeking a variety of sexual partners, maybe you are seeking a particular type of kinky play, or maybe you or your partner are asexual. Regardless of your relationship to sex, it definitely needs to be part of the conversation.
The most obvious topic of discussion is sexual health. I know it’s easy to roll your eyes and say, “Yeah, yeah, I remember my high school health class.” However, everyone’s high school sex education was a likely a little bit different. You may have been taught that abstinence is the only way to avoid an STI. Or you may have been subjected to graphic close-up images of genitals that look like a general plague area. Particularly in American school systems, sex education can run the range between non-existent and intentionally terrifying and disturbing.
So, now that you’re an adult, I’d encourage you to do your research on disease transmission. (The CDC and Planned Parenthood websites are great for this.) Then, take some time to actually think about what level of sexual risk is acceptable for you. There is no one single way to define “safe sex,” which is why it’s more important to talk about which kind of risks you are willing to take. You may feel comfortable and safe using barriers for any kind of penetrative sex, but you ay choose to forgo barriers for oral contact, provided that everyone involved is fully up-to-date on their sexual health status. Other people may feel comfortable and safe using barriers for all kinds of contact — penetrative, oral, digital, etc. Other people may feel comfortable and safe limiting their sexual contact to outercourse alone.
People who are new to non-monogamy often feel unsure about how to talk to their partner about the sex life they have with another partner. How much is too much to share? How much is too little to share? Do I talk about specific positions, acts, fetishes? Should I not talk about it at all if my partner feels weird hearing about it?
It will depend on what feels right for you and your partners, however, I recommend that you share anything connected to your sex life that is an issue related to physical health and safety. Anything outside of that can be kept private, unless you really, really want to share and your partner really, really wants to hear. For example: if you and a partner are planning on having a threesome with someone new, you should disclose your intent to have sexual contact with a new person to everyone else you are in sexual contact with. If you and a partner are planning on experimenting with using a strap-on on each other, that may be something you wish to keep within the realm of privacy. (Sexy, sexy privacy.)
