Deconstructing Jealousy

Defining jealousy

Curvilineal model

  • At the beginning of a relationship, usually there is more uncertainty, but there is also less commitment, so jealousy likelihood is lower.
  • In a long-term relationship where all parties are committed, the investment is much higher, but there is less uncertainty, so the likelihood of jealousy is lower as well.
  • As investment is starting to ramp up a little while into a relationship, the uncertainty is there as well, and in turn jealousy is much more likely.

Emotion is separate from action

  1. Beliefs: Harmful beliefs about oneself or others, or too much belief in feelings being facts.
  2. Hypervigilance: Similar to jealousy, there’s a belief that letting one’s guard down will make it worse.
  3. Fear of uncertainty: The belief that one must “take action” or “find out what’s really going on” can result in degrading competitors, attacking one’s partner, surveillance, threats, or having one’s own infidelity.

Jealousy’s manifestation

  • Veto power in a relationship.
  • Putting down the other person.
  • Communicate what reassurance you need.
  • Meet your metamour.
  • Booking more time or taking it away from others.
  • Making rules to enforce a hierarchy.
  • Planning actual quality time.
  • Remembering that you might feel more competitive about something you don’t even want and giving yourself the opportunity to enjoy the fact you aren’t doing it.
  • Check in about what it’s really about. Maybe you need more relaxation in your own life, not to take it from someone else.
  • Demanding promises of always being number one.
  • Forcing your partner to close the relationship.
  • Wanting a partner to quit their job or stop seeing a friend.
  • Acknowledging fear instead of denying it.
  • Willingness to admit fears to your partner.
  • Using your fear to cure yourself.
  • Realizing which of these come from baggage in past relationships.
  • Compassion and empathy for metamours.
  • Implementing rules to limit your partner.
  • Limiting information or keeping secrets from your partner.
  • Going out of your way to give good things and comfort to someone else.
  • Tapping into your other resources.
  • Getting comfortable and saying what the fear is out loud repeatedly to allow its hold on you to dissipate.



We offer new ideas and advice for multiple forms of #love: everything from #conciousmonogamy to #ethical #Polyamory and radical #relationshipanarchy.

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We offer new ideas and advice for multiple forms of #love: everything from #conciousmonogamy to #ethical #Polyamory and radical #relationshipanarchy.